The Pittsburgh Pirates – re-equipped with Handsome Andrew McCutchen, Jordy Mercer (The Pittsburgh Kid), Neil Walker (The Other Pittsburgh Kid), and even a guest appearance from Pedro Alvarez, the man without a position – squared off against the Atlanta Braves in the second game of what might be described as an important series of baseball games. As with the night before, the results were equally disastrous. Francisco Liriano, The Laggard, was victimized, greatly, by the ferocity of the Atlanta bats (as most left-handed persons are, apparently). Likewise, the offense could not muster enough offense against Aaron Harang, the once-Cincinatti ace turned journey-person.
I will not communicate anymore of the details from the game. Instead, I will point out that Harang bears what might be described as a sickly resemblance to the late Timothy Carey, a character actor who, perhaps most notably, appeared in a number of Stanley Kubrick films in the 1950′s.
Indeed, Pittsburgh, the Ship is sinking and the Jolly Roger is ablaze. While it might be easy to blame poor roster construction or paper-thin depth at key positions, it should also be considered that the Pirates are being the victims of a conspiracy and were victimized by a reincarnation of the not-as-late-as-previously-thought Timothy Carey using the nom de baseball of Aaron Harang. Alternatively, it is possible that, not unlike Nicolas Cage, Carey/Harang is actually a Civil War-era Vampire. The proof, readers, lies in this totally professional ABC News dispatch that can be read here.
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